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We have all most probably encountered it at some stage in our lives - who do we stay friends with after a couple divorces or separates?

The text book answer is to stay friends with both parties of course but that’s a mighty tall order to fulfil as we are dealing with human emotions and judgemental attitudes here as well.

Fortunately I think that most normal friends witnessing a couple of family splitting up can actually see both sides of the coin and actually do stay away from taking sides.

However, in the real world the divorcing couple will normally expect you to commit to one side or the other and this pattern often establishes itself way before the final separation or divorce. This is due to our blame culture where we often ignore our own responsibilities for the situation we find ourselves in - it’s always someone else’s fault - black & white, when actually there will be many shades of grey that overlap and it is often not until many years later and upon a lot of reflective thought that we suddenly realise that we were actually partly to blame for the failure of that relationship.

So, how do friends handle the initial expectation from one part of the divorcing couple to now ignore their former partner? It can be really tough for friends of separating partners - you know, who do you invite to the family party - him or her - can you invite both? - what will happen if they both meet at the daughters wedding? - god forbid but what will happen should each one bring a new partner? - The scenarios are endless.

Having experienced several friends now go through divorce and separation proceedings and each one has found its own set of issues, I can say that there is no set advice or guidance in the form of a one size fits all answer.

However, there are a few outline framework procedures that I would certainly adopt in order to ensure that your former couple remain friends long after the divorce or separation.

Firstly - always try to balance being sympathetic and understanding to your main friend but without actually agreeing to any of their own conclusions regarding blame etc. - remember your only hearing one side of a very unbalanced perspective. This ensures that you do not reinforce your friends biased viewpoint and you can still remain impartial - very important. This may require exemplary diplomatic skills but if your conscious of this fact can actually be quite challenging and rewarding - its like being tested yourself.

Secondly, make it clear to your main friend that you may still see or respond to their former partner from time to time after the divorce or separation for obvious and practical reasons. Most of our lives are intertwined these days with other stuff such as the sharing of the school run or business contacts for example. It needs to be made clear by way of simple inexplicit references with your normal conversations that this will happen. This signals to your main friend that divided loyalties are not actually that simple to divide in the manner that they may be thinking. It also ensures that you are not accused of being a ‘Judas’ and losing the confidence or friendship of your main friend when they find out that you have had contact with their former partner.

And thirdly, never, ever say what you really thought of their former partner even if you think that having empathy with their feelings will help them over this period - Just remember that a high proportion of separating couples do actually end up getting back together again & releasing a load of sympathetic venom last month will stick in your reunited friends throat like barbed wire and your relationship with them both will never be the same again.

Within these three basic guidance rules will be a whole host of anomalies that will occur that will need careful thoughtful planning on what your responses will be for each individual case of a divorcing couple. It wont be easy - it never is especially when dealing with a high emotional content. But trying to frame your responses within these three basic guidance rules should ensure that your friendship is retained and remains flexible for most situations that may occur over the coming years.

Jenny Clair editor of Marriage-Divorce-Separation.com has formed a community web site exploring the various issues of divorce, separation and breakdowns in relationships.

http://www.marriage-divorce-separation.com

So you are engaged to get married but don’t have a lot of extra money to spend for the wedding? No problem you can still have a beautiful wedding for nearly half the cost. The key ingredient to have is a budget worksheet and budget plan before doing anything. By spending the time to plan ahead and budget your major expenses you will ensure success in saving money. You will not be caught on a whim and spend over the amount planned. Not having a plan is a recipe for disaster because this often means you are searching for crucial items last minute which can really add up.

Below are some of the more common categories that comprise a standard wedding budget form. You will want to at first include all of these categories and then latter you can easily go in and delete any categories that are not needed.

We have given some estimates of the percent a particular cost should be in relation to the total budget. For most items we provided a range of costs. If the item is very important to you then you should plan on the higher end of the range and if it is not important much at all use the lower range. Just make sure that it all totals only 100% in the end.

Location, Location, Location

This is one of the most important keys in Real Estate and in Weddings alike is location. It is important to leave a category of your budget for the location of the wedding and the reception.

Wedding Site:

There are so many places to get married that the list is endless. The cost can vary greatly from a simple backyard wedding to an incredibly expensive formal church wedding. Typical costs for the wedding site will run from 3% to 5%.

Reception

The Reception is one of your biggest expenses and should be planned for carefully. Again the price and percent of your total wedding budget will vary depending on the site. Plan ahead, do some comparison shopping and visit the a few sites first. Typically costs will run around 48% for the reception. This includes the food, site rental, drinks, cake and favors.

Other Important Details

Along with the site rental and reception costs there are things that need to be planned for ahead of time. These are all included below. Keep a careful eye out for the things that you think are important to your wedding in particular and things that don’t matter so much.

Attire

The attire for the wedding includes such things as the wedding dress, viel, tuxedoes and bridesmaid dresses. Depending on your own style preferences and choices this category of items can run between 8 to 12%.

Rings

Rings are such an important symbolic part of the wedding. You do not want to forget the cost associated with them. Typical costs will run between 2 to 5%. The main differences here will be between the metal used and the diamond chosen for the ring. Design rings and signature pieces can often run 2 to 3 times more then a custom made ring. Many jewelers are happy to custom make a ring for you.

Flowers / Decorations

There are a variety of expenses in this category which include everything from flowers to reception decorations. Typical costs will run between 6 to 10% of the total budget.

Outside Sources of Help

Often Deejays and photographers are important to the wedding and reception and a cost that should be figured in. The prices can vary widely depending on their experience level and other factors.

Photographers

Photographers are important as the wedding pictures will be one of the lasting memories of the wedding ceremony and reception. It is important to choose a photographer carefully and to find one that you can work well with. Typical costs for a photographer will run between 9 to 14%

Deejays

Again there is a wide amount o differences in the prices charged by different Deejays. It is important as always to do some comparison shopping on the phone before going out to interview the select few. Typically costs associate with Deejays are between 6 and 10%.

Gifts and Stationary

These are important ways to interact with your guests. Stationary includes everything from wedding invitations to thank you cards. While the gifts will include the more traditional gifts like the Bridesmaid and groomsmen gifts. Typical costs in this category run between 4 to 8%.

It is important to work up a and develop a budget breakdown and to know where your costs are going to come from. Before adding any numbers to your wedding budget checklist you will want to prioritize the budget and develop a worksheet. Then you can go and start adding in numbers and fleshing out the wedding budget plan.

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